WE HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR BUT PHARMAS THEMSELVES

I was watching TV the other night and saw a commercial for some new medication for something that sounded serious … “RLS”!

They went on to explain that RLS was “restless leg syndrome.”

WHAT?

Oh come on now! The pharmaceutical companies are just flat out making shit up now to sell more drugs to more people who are too stupid for their own good. The makers (GlaxoSmithKline) of this new wonder drug (“Requip”) are an otherwise reputable pharmaceutical giant. (Although that is a bit like saying someone is an honest lawyer or a trustworthy politician).

Unfortunately these corporate pharma behemoths are so over-invested in so many drugs that will never get FDA approval, much less show any signs of effectiveness, that now they have taken to flat out making shit up just to get a drug on the market… just to pay for the research of the 99% of the drugs that … in the words of the Verve … “don’t work.”

These multinational drug companies KNOW that America is the place to sell this crap because face it … Americans will buy anything that sounds like an easy solution.

Restless legs? Try some exercise. You drive your car to the end of the driveway just to get your mail and maybe pop out for some drive through at the local Krispy Kreme. Your legs are restless because you only use them to form a lap for holding your array of salted fatty couch potato snacks.

OK … So MAYBE … there are people who have just a slight tingling in their legs and it’s a TAD annoying at times. This drug is not just recommended (by GlaxoSmithKline) for severe sufferers … nooooooo …. Where’s the money in that? It’s also available for moderate sufferers of tingly legs.

The ‘condition’ is described as “chronic” – the favorite word of pharmas and hypochondriacs alike. Chronic means basically, that the ‘condition’ just won’t go away – without (expensive) medication – or exercise of course, but pharmas don’t own a share of Bally’s … so that’s out.

Now before you go commenting about your Auntie or neighbor who ‘suffers’ from this malady … stop and consider this …

And this is a direct quote from the Requip official website:

“Requip may cause you to fall asleep or feel sleepy while doing normal activities such as driving; or to faint or feel dizzy, nauseated or sweaty when you stand up from sitting or lying down. If you experience these problems, talk to your doctor. Tell your doctor if you drink alcohol or are taking other medicines that make you drowsy. Side effects include nausea, drowsiness, vomiting and dizziness. Most patients were not bothered enough to stop taking Requip.”

Where do I start?

Well first this sounds like nothing but a sleeping tablet. Of course your legs don’t bother you when you’re in a deep drug-induced sleep. You’re so drowsy you can’t be bothered to stop taking it? Not lucid enough to make intelligent decisions it sounds like me!

And even if you do ‘suffer’ from restless legs, I can only speak for intelligent people when I say … weighing restless legs against nausea, vomiting drowsiness and dizziness, I’ll live with the leg tingles thank you very much.

By the way … “RLS” should not be confused with the fatal disease known as “ALS” (Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis). This disease is also known as Lou Gehrig’s disease. Lou Gehrig was a famous baseball player. Did you know that he actually caught AND died from Lou Gehrig’s disease? WHAT are the odds of THAT happening? They must be astronomical!

Getting back to RLS … It is just one of countless ‘syndromes’ that ‘doctors’ have ‘discovered’ in recent years. These so-called syndromes are not new… just giving them a name is new. You see if you give something a name, then it can be blamed. And our society has made it its raison d’etre to be personally blameless and eternal victims. This is the easier road to travel than actually taking responsibility for our own actions and well-being.

There are lots of new ‘syndromes’ now being marketed, and almost downright trendy to have. Not surprisingly, these new names are generally introduced along with another new name …the name of the wonder-drug invented and designed to fight off the evil … and perform a money-ectomy from the invalids who until recently, did not know they were sufferers!

Maybe you’re a martyr who carries the cross of ‘male pattern hair-loss’? When I was a kid we called this going bald.

Having bad breath doesn’t sound sympathetic. So we are inflicted with halitosis!

Your colon is not inflamed! NO. That could sound like your fault. You are burdened with diverticulitis!

How about the millions of yuppies being tortured with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome? These people can also say they are victims of narcolepsy. Oh please … just once … let someone who works for me call in sick with this one!

What was that trendy malady about a decade ago called? Juan Epstein or Roseanne Barr virus or some such? OK, I know Epstein Barr virus is actually a herpesvirus that is the causative agent of infectious mononucleosis. It is also associated with various types of human cancers.

But none-the-less, it became the must-have trendy illness of the”I’ve-spent-all-my-money-on-plastic-surgery-and-now-need-a-real-doctor” upper class snots. Personally I’d have liked to vaccinate them all with a nice shot of bubonic plague.

By the way, did you know the symptoms of bubonic plague (aka Yersinia pestis) include: nausea, drowsiness, vomiting and dizziness? – The same as the list of side effects for that restless leg syndrome medicine?

Boxers used to be called ‘punchy’ or ‘punch drunk’. Now they all suffer from post-concussion syndrome.

Enough is enough. The use of euphemisms … spurred by the imposed political correctness of those who fear their very existence offends somebody … has created such a surreal madness that we’ve lost touch with what real illness is. Some might say this blog is belittling the needs and pains of real sufferers. I say it’s quite the opposite. It is lumping the every day whimperings of feigned illness in with real suffering, that belittles the real suffering.

I mean it’s bad enough that medical science chooses such bizarre unsympathetic names for legitimate ailments. I can’t imagine I’d be thrilled if I had the shakes and the doctor diagnosed me with ‘St. Vitus Dance’. That sounds like a Friday night event when I was in high school – Who am I going to take to the St Vitus Dance?

I do not lack sympathy for people with real medical conditions. And there have been recently discovered NEW ones …. AIDS, Sars, Ebola Virus, Mad-Asian-Cow-Bird-Flu etc.

But that’s just my point. By speaking of these real (often fatal) diseases in the same breath as these made-up chronic conditions, just serves to legitimize those daily bellyaches as ‘real’ medical problems. This is being done as one of the largest unspoken, unchallenged conspiracies among the pharma companies of the world.

Their marketing strategy – though you won’t find this in any of their ‘mission statements’ is apparently based on this one thought.

If we can’t find cures for real and fatal, or life-altering afflictions, then we will find (and market) cures for things we can find cures for, no matter how irrelevant or real these ‘infirmities’ may be.

Can’t afford a syndrome? That’s ok … we have plenty of ‘disorders’ you can suffer from.

There are learning disorders, personality disorders, sleeping disorders, anxiety disorders. Take your pick. You can have an attention disorder, repetitive motion disorder, repetitive strain disorder, an oppositional defiant disorder or a disassociative disorder (used to be known as having multiple personalities).

There are all sorts of eating disorders out there to choose from too. But they are only for people who don’t eat enough. Our morbidly obese nation wouldn’t stand for it if we considered it to be a disorder to stuff our big (halitosis yielding) slobbering mouths with salty deep-fried, artery choking, nutritionally-challenged meals from out fast food institutions!

Maybe our bad backs and stem from the fact that as a nation we are grossly overweight? – Just a thought.

Oh the pain suffered by those with carpal tunnel syndrome! (sore wrists essentially). Those damned computers! They cause my migraines from staring at the screen, they cause me to go cross-eyed (aka Strabismus – give that a name so you can offer a marketable cure) … and now they make my wrist hurt. I quite literally believe these sore wrist sufferers might be suffering from “I wank too much disorder” Or “I just want to call in sick today syndrome.”

You can’t honestly tell me, that tip tapping away at today’s ‘ergonomic’ computer keyboards does more harm than was caused back in the day when a secretary’s desk had no computer, but rather a large, hard and stiff manual type writer.

We’ve become a nation of out-of-shape, whining hypochondriac wimps! America was founded on the (sore) backs of real laborers who proudly displayed a real work ethic. It’s only once the snake oil salesmen of the Wild West organized themselves (into what we call in the modern day –“pharmaceutical companies’) that our mal du jour society emerged as a nation of namby pamby milquetoast mama’s boys with a demand for softer facial tissues.

Our country has become home to a bunch of sniveling, sniffling office toady, service-industry desk-ridden computer jockeys who can’t so much sneeze without running to the pharmacy … the one in the supermarket so we can get more snacks … for the latest OTC (over-the-counter) remedy that merely attacks symptoms not causes.

Hey that sounds familiar! Attack the symptoms and not the causes. Why that’s been the platform of every administration since Taft hasn’t it? I mean why address why terrorists hate us (or why everyone hates us for that matter) based on our self-indulgent policies when we can declare a war on something? (War on terrorism, war on drugs, war on poverty).

Wars make us feel good. While our blubbery teletubby bodies are pampered with fast food and fast relief medicines … we can feel good about our weak conditions by collectively flexing the one muscle we have left … our gadget driven military machine. We can watch on the All-War channel (CNN) as America wins wars (though suffering 1,000 times the casualties after the ‘victory’, than during the actual conflict).

If we spent a tenth of what we are spending in Iraq and Afghanistan on research into (REAL) medical problems, we could solve many of them and still have money left over to fund a workable health care system and provide health insurance for all.

But no. The political powers that be would have to tackle some of their tough/staunch (right wing) stances … on stem cell research for example.

Our brave lads (and I DO support our troops whether I agree with why they’ve been deployed) can look forward to surviving the conflict so later in life they can join the American Legion. (And get legionnaires disease no doubt).

War on drugs? Hey let’s face it. The ‘war’ on drugs has been a farcical exercise is wasting money and filling prisons … with no chance for ‘victory’. If you want to rage a real war on drugs, I feel it is not the street/black-market/illegal drug market we should examine. It is the so-called legitimate (prescription) drug market that is far more a threat. Their drugs are just as addictive (if not more so) and their associated dependence is not only supported by the government but they count on it to feed to ever-growing medical-legal-pharmaceutical triangular trade and also of course … we have to please the share holders.

We block the importation of cheaper drugs (from Canada for example) and prolong the wait for generics while our older citizens, who need some (but probably not all) of the drugs they have been prescribed are being bankrupted by the failures of Medicare Medicaid.

The answer is simple enough. Drug companies should not be permitted to pass on ALL their research costs collectively into the pricing of the drugs they manage to get approved. Their research should be classified into two categories … 1) REAL life threatening or suffering conditions and 2) Cosmetic or superficial drugs (IE Rogaine, Propecia etc.)

The costs of researching drugs designed to ‘cure’ life’s little nuisances should be spent at the Pharmaceuticals’ expense and risk.

You may be inclined to counter with the argument that you are not overweight … and actually have a gym membership. Would that be the lifetime gym membership you shelled out a gazillion dollars for and went to the gym as many times in the first month as you have in the three years that followed? Or maybe you bought some home gym equipment? You know that over-sized bench with lots of chrome and rubbery things that takes up a whole room and is essentially being used as a $1500 clothes hanger.

Even those who DO exercise are doing so to see and be seen as to actually following a sensible cardiac routine.

“Gotta look good dude … work the abs!”

We are also a nation of fad dieters. To name but a FEW … there are:

Dr. Dean Ornish: Eat More, Weigh Less, The Good Carbohydrate Revolution, The Pritikin Principle, Dr. Shapiro's Picture Perfect Weight Loss, Volumetrics Weight-Control Plan, Fit for Life, The South Beach Diet, Cambridge Diet, Slim-Fast Diet, Neutrisystems, Dexatrim Natural, Hydroxycut, Metabolife 356, Eat Right For Your Type: The Blood Type Diet, Macrobiotics, Mayo Clinic Diet, and of course … Suzanne Somers' Somersizing.

Yes I want to gamble my future health on the wisdom of Chrissy Snow’s nutritional expertise. I’d be better off letting Jack Tripper cook for me while Mr. Roper slips me a mickey down at the Regal Beagle.

I remember a few years ago, it was trendy to watch the (saturated and non-saturated) fats. It was all about the fats. Now it’s carbs man. “Gotta watch the carbs.”

Why?

“Cause it’s trendy dude – don’t you read People Magazine?”

In the immortal words of Fernando (aka Billy Crystal) … “It’s better to look good than to feel good.”

We’ve coddled our children. We can’t let them outside. God forbid we let them walk outside (and get some exercise) anywhere – that’s what the gas-guzzling minivan is for. Anything outside of sleeping, we require them to wear a helmet and knee pads. We’re WIMPS!

Our kids are seeing an alarming increase in rates of allergies and asthma. Could this have something to do with the fact that we never let them outside to get anywhere near a ragweed until they’re in their pre-teens (and then, only whilst wearing an approved helmet of course). Instead we keep them inside, in the hopes that all their X-Box playing will strengthen their carpal tunnels, before they have to grow up and do office work.

The world of physical illnesses seems to have taken a page from the realm of mental illness. Again, I am not denying the existence of real mental illness, but it has been the practice of psychiatry (since the times of Sigmund Fraud) to label all mental conditions.

By giving every mental condition a name, there is something to blame. Therefore we are “not guilty by reason of __________ [fill in your preferred mental illness here].”

By defining ‘clinical depression’ for example, we can leave open the door of vagueness that separates this from just “having the blues.” And ($$ - ‘Ca-CHING’ - $$ !) we can therefore market a whole array of ‘pick-me-ups’ from mothers’ little helpers to ginseng green tea.

Let’s consider bipolar disorder for one. It used to be known as manic depression. But depression can sound self-induced and we don’t want you to blame yourself. Try this new drug instead!

Manic depression IS serious. But it’s sooo yesterday. Let’s get the boys in ‘creative’ to come up with something … a syndrome of some sort …otherwise, how can we sell a new drug. Maybe the lads can come up with something ‘sexy’ … something like … “Bi-Polar Disease … THIS is not your FATHER’s manic depression!”

The mental health industry – and that’s just what it is – an industry … does help many people (stay out of jail). But though there are no known statistics for this, I would estimate that at least one out of every two people, currently in some form on psychological therapy would be an otherwise normal and functioning member of society were it not for the ‘cool’ aspect of being IN therapy amongst LA and New York socialites and also the acceptance that we as a society have allowed for ourselves not to take responsibility for our own happiness. We dish out blame like pork chops at a Baptist picnic.

I don’t want to even address tourette’s syndrome. All the good jokes on the topic have already been done. I do have one question though. Is ‘TS’ only suffered in the English speaking world? Or are there victims also shouting curses uncontrollably in Swahili? What about in Cherokee or Faroese? – Just a thought.

Still don’t think the pharmas are just trying to sell you anything for the sake of making a few bucks?

Maybe you’ve called the operator (who was ‘standing by’) to order some Garlique! Let’s see … garlic is good for you …there isn’t any in a big mac though …so let’s grind it up into tablet form! We can call it ‘Garlique’ (c’est chic).

Americans love tablets more than Moses did.

So beyond the “consult your physician” meds (you know – the ones you need to [talk your doctor into giving you] a prescription for) … and then beyond the OTC (over-the-counter/non-prescription remedies) there lies a quasi-medicinal world of the “all natural” panaceas.

These are generally the ones you hear on sports-talk radio ads, or more prominently receive in your “junk” (spam) folder in your email. These herbal wonders promise me a bigger penis and a smaller wallet. They promise to cure everything from athlete’s foot to nervous ticks.

For those who prefer NOT to turn themselves into drug-ingesting slaves to the pharma gods … there are self help books. Of course, unless YOU wrote the book yourself …it is not technically SELF help now is it? We are addicted to these books as a nation, more than to drugs I think. Everything from “Ventriloquism for Dummies” to “I’m OK, You’re a Moron.”

I suppose I have to address pre-menstrual syndrome. Ladies, I am NOT denying the existence of cramps, pains and mood swings. I have witnessed them and I am a believer. My point is though, that women have been suffering period pains … well …since Eve I suppose. It’s only in this generation that we gave them a more serious sounding name. I credit our British cousins however, who refer to it as PMT (pre-menstrual tension) since ‘tension’ allows the implication to exist that all in the household (not just the period barer) can suffer from the tension. Calling it a ‘syndrome’ seems to imply it’s not normal, when in fact, it is.

Popular usage has actually even turned this ‘syndrome’ into a verb … as in “I’m PMSing.”

I’d be remiss (though less long-windedly pedantic) if I didn’t address the latest “discovery” of medical science. How often have you been standing around the water cooler, when some colleague hasn’t said, “They can put a man on the moon. You’d think they could come up with some way to cure my erectile dysfunction!”

In one of the most bizarre events I’ve ever witnessed, I was watching the World Cup in 2002 (bizarre in itself that I as an American was watching soccer) and I saw a commercial for an Erectile Dysfunction medicine … and the spokesman in the commercial was none other than Brazilian soccer legend … PELE!

How hard have the times been for Pele that he would disregard his god-like status in the macho world of soccer (OK football) to do ads for ‘ED’? How much did they have to pay him? The question that sprang immediately to my mind was … “did all those amazing ‘bicycle’ kicks cause Pele a problem that we weren’t previously aware of?

First on the market was of course Viagra (Pfizer). But also a quick riser (pun intended) on the market was Cialis (Eli Lilly).

In the Cialis ad, … they actually say:

"The most common side effects with CIALIS were headache and upset stomach. Backache and muscle ache were also reported, sometimes with delayed onset. Most men weren't bothered by the side effects enough to stop taking CIALIS. As with any ED tablet, in the rare event of priapism (an erection lasting more than four hours), seek immediate medical help to avoid long-term injury. In rare instances, men taking prescription ED tablets (including CIALIS) reported a sudden decrease or loss of vision. It's not possible to determine if these events are related directly to the ED tablets or to other factors. If you have a sudden decrease or loss of vision, stop taking any ED tablet and call your doctor right away."

Headache? Isn’t that usually the number one excuse NOT to have sex? Backache? That’ll come from the too much sex I’d imagine.

A FOUR HOUR ERECTION? Believe me; my doctor is NOT going to be the first person I consult. I can barely find 15 extra minutes in my day to read the newspaper. What am I going to do with a four hour erection? Oh … and whose “long term injury” am I trying to avoid? Mine or hers?

As for the loss of vision … I highly recommend selecting your sexual partner before the onset of blindness or God knows WHAT you’ll end up in bed with. In fact this kind of sounds like the same side effect as in beer.

Here are my top ten predicted –“Soon To Be Made Up Syndromes” the pharmas will unleash upon us any day now:

10) CDS (chronic disorder syndrome) – Sufferers of every known ailment on the planet (and a few unknown ones) will be relieved when “fukitol” hits the drug store shelves.

9) CDD (chronic disorder dysfunction) – Similar to CDS, only called this name by a rival pharmaceutical company, at least until the patent lawsuit is settled.

8) CDDS (chronic disorder dysfunction syndrome) This is a rare and really SERIOUS case of basically any guy who just can’t – for whatever reason - get his shit together.

7) Gonorrhea Ear – An inner ear venereal infection brought infection brought on by practicing unsafe phone sex. 6) Vitas Gerulaitis – A newly discovered form of tennis elbow, acquired only when using one of the ‘70’s tennis rackets. You know, the ones actually smaller than a garbage can lid that players today use.

5) Staying Home In the Toilet Syndrome: “Can’t come in to work today boss. I got the S.H.I.T.S.”

4) Carpool Tunnel Syndrome – Anxiety brought on from a carful of smelly co-workers while stuck in traffic in a claustrophobic traffic tunnel.

3) Soccer Mom Rage Disorder – Anxiety brought on when all the other kids’ moms are driving a new minivan, and you’re still picking the kids up in the '74 AMC wagon.

2) Wonky Mammillatosis – The effect, soon to be appearing as young women who had breast augmentation surgeries approach middle age.

1) Irritable Vowel Syndrome – (AKA Pat Sajak’s Disease). Symptoms include an uncontrollable desire to insert vowels into Czech and Polish surnames like Czyzchky or Wlykvtlcz. The national spokesperson will be Vanna “buy a vowel” White herself.

I am going to lie down now and rest before writing any more gives me carpal tunnel tennis elbow. And I fear I am starting dyslexia a case to develop of. I’ve probably lost you several paragraphs ago due to your attention deficit disorder – Not to be confused with George W. … suffers from ‘paying attention to the deficit disorder’.

I’ll probably have that recurring nightmare where I am suffering from The China Syndrome.

I hope my sleep apnea and deviated septum don’t prevent my wife from getting some rest. It probably won’t since I’m sure she’s ingested something today that ‘may cause drowsiness.’

I want a New Drug!

Fukitol credited to - http://www.davesdaily.com/pictures/302-fukitol.htm

FINALITY OF FLIGHT

The airline industry is quite simply, the most sadistic industry in the world.

From the time you pass the last “smoking allowed” zone in the airport, until the time you exit your arrival airport, you are constantly bombarded with “NO SMOKING.”

Your pilot or flight attendant will tell you that smoking is a violation of federal laws and that smoking in the toilet is banned and that there is a smoke alarm in there and that if you remove the battery or otherwise disable the smoke detector, you are also a federal criminal.

OK … I get it … No Smoking!

But THEN … a quick look around shows you … that rather than pay to remove such items … the airlines have left the ashtrays in all the armrests. The smoking/no smoking light … next to the fasten your seatbelts light … is still in place on the ceiling of each cabin … additionally teasing you and reminding you that you may not smoke now …but had it been years ago – different story.

But here’s the kicker … so then what do the airlines do? They convert their flight crew into meandering sales people. It’s weird to think this ditzy stew … or effeminate steward …who has been trained to save my life in the (unlikely) event that the plane will land in water …that this person now must meet his/her duty-free sales quota.

“CIGARETTES SIR?”

So if I can’t smoke …PLEASE don’t come down the aisle with your trolley of over-priced teddy bears, Armani-Gucci-Prada leather-bound personal planners and souvenir model airplanes, and then have the audacity to sell me discounted cartons of cigarettes!

Not sadistic enough for you? What other industry would require you to pay attention to their hackneyed safety pantomime … where they point out ALL the exit doors … and then just open ONE door when you land so that it takes 45 minutes to get off the damned thing, while every jag off in front of you de-wedges their tuba case-sized “carry-on” out of the overhead?

If you had the window seat, this means anyone over 4 feet tall is standing for 45 minutes with their head at a jaunty angle … giving you a neck cramp guaranteed to last you the first half of your vacation!

It all starts with booking your flight. Whether you do so online, through a travel agent or at the airport itself, you pay some arbitrary price, knowing no two passengers have paid the same price for their seats, though all will arrive at the same time (barring any “unlikely” event).

And though you have paid in full, this does not guarantee you a window seat, an aisle seat, the bulkhead seat … well for that matter any seat! You can still get bumped, since it is common “accepted” practice in the airline industry to overbook.

If the plane holds 200 passengers, there is nothing stopping the airlines from selling 300 tickets. Do the math. Can anyone else get away with this? Could your favorite football team sell 70,000 tickets for a stadium that holds 50,000 people?

Once, on a flight from Kansas City to Pittsburgh, rather than be bumped, I agreed to take the jump seat … not knowing what the “jump seat” meant other than being assured it did not involve me having to clip on a rope overhead and then bail out when the green light went on.

The jump seat is essentially a seat at the front of the cabin which folds up to the wall when not in use and faces the rest of the passengers. I asked if this is usually used by the crew and they said yes but that flight attendant would sit elsewhere (the floor?) during landing. I was tempted to offer to allow the flight attendant to sit on my lap during take-off and landing - you know – for her safety but whilst my first imaginations conjured up visions of …



Or …



Or even …



And I realize I am now just posting gratuitous sexy stewardess photos for no redeeming comedic value, but what the heck – I already downloaded them.

Or even …



I quickly realized that I would most likely get an involuntary turbulence-induced lap dance from the likes of …



Or worse yet …




Speaking of which … whatever happened to the image of the eager-to-please, gorgeous, nympho-ditzy stewardess? Yes Mr. Left-Wing, Bleeding-Heart Politically-Correctoid, I said STEWARDESS – not “flight attendant.” What’s next? Calling strippers “lap attendants?”

At one time, STEWARDESSES were required to be of a certain height, weight and attractiveness. Oh, and they were required to be female. I want to have my 2 oz minican of coke brought to me by someone who looks like ...



… not like ...

Oh well. Of course, being married now and probably with most of my flying time behind me, it doesn’t matter now anyhow.

So from KC to Pittsburgh I flew backwards! I had to hold my meal on my lap, whilst watching all the other passengers chow down, many with their mouths open. I did not get to see the in-flight presentation of “Ishtar” or whatever B-movie they were offering. And just what the heck was MY “crash position” I should assume in the (unlikely) event of a “water landing.”?

Alright, so you booked your flight and are not going to be bumped. You still have to show up hours before the flight for the check-in. You get in a massive queue and inch your bags through the cattle maze so that by the time you get to the desk you’re minutes away from boarding with no time for duty-free even though when you joined the queue it was three hours before the scheduled take-off … if in fact the plane will take off at its (unlikely) scheduled departure.

Before you get to the desk … and admit it …everyone does this … you size up your fellow travelers to see if you can play “spot the terrorist.” A quick scan of the mob and you’ve identified 12 turbans, at least half a dozen broken English speakers and three bearded guys who just look wrong.

And that’s just the airport staff. Go through Heathrow Airport’s passport control sometime and you’ll think you just landed in Mumbai. The guy checking your passport to see if you can legally enter the United Kingdom, looks about as British as a sun tan. They’ve got enough Indians running the joint to open their own tech support hotline.

Now once you reached the desk and found your ticket and your passport, you begin to sweat the thought of being overweight (in terms of baggage allowance I mean).

IF your bags are over the arbitrary (from airline-to-airline) weight allowance, you must pay a penalty per pound (or more likely per kilo). The logic behind this (the airlines tell us) is that excess weight requires excess fuel to fly the plane … and that costs money. But go ahead and try to ask them for a rebate for each kilo if your bag is UNDERweight. Shouldn’t the same logic apply? Less weight, less fuel, less money?

Keep in mind that the same baggage weight is offered to a 98 lb. woman that a 350 lb. man is also allowed. Doesn’t the combined weight of passenger AND luggage affect the required fuel? Or do the plane’s engines somehow know how to distinguish passenger weight from baggage weight?

And really, what does it matter what my bags way in relation to the cost of the fuel on the flight which I will board, when there’s every chance my bags will be on a different plane with a different (usually better) destination anyway?

I propose that they weight the passenger with his/her luggage, though I suppose many women would just flat out refuse to fly if this were the case.

But since they don’t weigh the passengers, whenever I fly and know I am going to be close to the weight allowance, I try to wear as much of my clothes as possible … and stuff my pockets with all the heaviest small items. They also rarely weigh carryon-on (which if I am not mistaken …goes on the same plane that they are so bloody concerned about the weight-to-fuel ratio). So stuff that with your heavy stuff too!

Then once you get through the metal detectors, just unload all your pockets into your carry-on.



Another way to beat the system is to remember although they have tight weight restrictions to your luggage … that with the possible of exception of (some) carry-on … there are virtually no restrictions on the volume or size of your bags. So you can take a couple of really long bags …say the kind that pole vaulters would tote their equipment in …. sew them together … and you’ve created a bag so long, that it can’t all fit on the bag weigher machine in one go.

Don’t even get me started on those ridiculous security questions!

The airlines are completely insensitive towards people’s fear of flying. This is primarily because people do not fear flying. They fear crashing. And the insensitivity begins at the check-in desk.

“Will Phoenix be your final destination?”

“Well that all depends on the skill of your pilots now doesn’t it?”

“Final Call” “Final Boarding” “Final Approach”

Everything sounds so final in airline speak, that I am always concerned that my pilot is just a little too anxious to meet Allah.

I saw a documentary recently about 911. They showed how the hijackers took over the cockpit and then immediately switched off the transponders. The transponders are the instruments that send information about the planes speed and altitude to air traffic control.

With them switched off, the plane can still be tracked on radar but the control towers will have no clue as to how high (or low) and how fast (or slow) the plane is traveling. All this begs one simple question – which the documentary failed to ask mind you – WHY and under WHAT CIRCUMSTANCES would a pilot WANT to be able to switch off the transponder? Why was that even an option?

OK … well I could go on but instead …. I offer you my …

Top 30 ways to make airline travel a little more fun

30) If flying to a warm weather destination, board the plane wearing a fur parka, scarf, mittens, ski trousers etc. When the pilot welcomes you aboard on the PA system, on your flight to where ever, stand up and shout, "Miami? SHIT WRONG PLANE!"

29) Half way to your destination, stand up and point out the window, desperately screaming in some made-up language. "DOWWA DA KABUNGA! DOWWA DA KABUNGA!"

28) If the pilot apologises for delays on the PA system, BOO loudly.

27) Present passport control home-made passport from cardboard and paper and a drawing of yourself for the picture, On the cover of this passport, make up the name of the nation you are from (EX: Flogmikistan) and say you own your own island which is technically an indepedent country.

26) Use a coleman cooler as your carry-on. Write on the side of it (in big letters) "HUMAN HEAD"

25) If you’re a black woman, check in using a white man’s passport. Keep a straight face as they look at you and at the picture in “your” passport … maybe drum your fingers on the desk impatiently and ask, “Is there a problem?”

24) Wear a full suit of armor, chain mail, two fistful of rings, a few body piercings, wrap your legs in aluminum foil and wear a set of about 300 keys on a janitor’s key ring dangling from your side. Get in line for the metal detector and walk through without taking anything off or putting anything in the little plastic basket. When they stop you, say, “Oh wait” …then take off your watch and start as if you’re going back to walk through again.

23) Wear a pilot’s uniform and carry a blind man’s white cane in one hand and an open bottle of Jack Daniels in the other. Walk around the airport bumping into travelers and ask them. “Will you be flying with me today?”

22) Board your plane holding a large clipboard. On the clipboard have a stack of paper … the top page of which says (in very large letters) “FAA - AIR CRASH STATISTICS ANALYSIS” Laugh loudly and frequently. Feel all around the door opening as you enter and act like you’re jotting some notes on your clipboard.

21) Bring a coffin with you to the check in desk and insist you can fit it in the overhead compartment.

20) Sit at the gate reading a book. Cover the book first with a book cover that says, “Home Made Bombs for Dummies”

19) When an airline goes on strike (and they all do) …go down to the airport when the stews are coming in to get their last paycheques. Stand at the door as they leave and say, “Bye-bye…bye-bye, bye-bye, bye-bye, bye-bye, bye-bye ….”

18) Dress as a priest. When you check in and they ask about seating preferences, ask, “Are there any unaccompanied young boys traveling today?”

17) If there is a long queue for the toilets aboard the plane, stand in the queue making loud straining noises …. They say … “Ahhhhhhh ….Never mind” and sit back down.

16) Wear a tuxedo and a chauffeur’s cap and stand with the rest of the chauffeurs at the arrivals gate. Hold a sign that says either, “His Holiness” … “U. Bin Laden” “DB Cooper” … or my personal favorite: “Any young girl with big tits who needs a lift”

15) In mid-flight …stand and bend to look out the window …then scream …throw yourself to the floor and get up saying, “THAT was close!”

14) Once on board, sit in your seat reading a copy of the Koran …whilst moving your lips as if praying. Take out a copy of your life insurance papers from your jacket and place it on your tray table then blast Cat Stevens’ music through your headphones.

13) Take a LOT of notes during the pre-flight safety pantomime. Immediately afterwards, raise your hands and ask a lot of questions about things like the lifeboat seating capacity, can asthma sufferers make use of the drop-down oxygen masks? Can you demonstrate how to use my seat belt again?

12) If you get to your seat before anyone else has arrived who will be sitting next to you …crazy glue his seat belt in the locked position.

11) During the flight, go into the toilets and come out wearing a superman costume.

10) If by chance, the check-in girl says you will be sitting in seat number C4 …just chuckle an evil chuckle and with a smug grin say, “how ironic.”

9) Wear a t-shirt that says “Future Mile High Club Member” and hang out by the toilets the whole flight. When a member of the opposite sex comes to the toilets, send them an inquisitive, inviting glance, motioning your head downward towards your t-shirt.

8) During an overnight flight, pretend to sleepwalk throughout the cabin. Do it zombie-like style … you know …with your arms outstretched in front of you,

7) Stand in the queue for the on-board toilet, holding a copy of Hustler magazine in one hand, and a box of tissues in the other. Groan loudly while in the toilet and be sure to leave behind an opened condom packet by the sink.

6) Whisper to the person in the next seat that you’re going to highjack the plane and take it to … (where ever the plane was headed to anyway).

5) When the stewardess comes around to collect the trash, hand her your empty bag of peanuts. Ask her, “Excuse me, were any nut products used in this item?” Then begin convulsing violently to the floor

4) If flying with a group, spontaneously begin doing the Macarena or the Electric Slide whilst in line for passport control. Act as if you don’t know each other. Have just two people start if off and the others join in randomly.

3) No matter what line of work you’re in …walk behind the stewardess as she is wheeling the duty free trolley down the aisle. When she finishes offering her wares to one row, immediately hand out business cards to that row and offer YOUR services or products. “Hi I was just wondering if you have enough home-owner’s insurance!” (You have a captive audience – take advantage of that)

2) Again, if flying with a group …try not to get your seats assigned all in the same part of the plane. Instead …sit scattered throughout the plane. And for the ENITRE length of the flight… each member of the group should loudly participate in a game of “MARCO” – “POLO”

1) Laugh loudly and hysterically during the in-flight movie – especially when inappropriate – like if they are showing “Schindler’s List” for example.

LICENSED TO WATCH TV?

Having just returned to America after living in England for the past five years, I want to share something that not many Americans realize about our British cousins.

We all know the stereotypes …. Bad teeth, worse weather, tea addiction, driving on the wrong side of the road, horrible “cuisine”, etc.

But the thing that baffled me most, the entire time I was there was that every single British person is required by law to pay for a license …to watch television!

The cost is roughly ₤109 (about $200 US Dollars) a year. But if you fail to pay it and they are very good at intimidating you … the fine can be ₤1,000 (approx $1,840), plus they’ll embarrass you by publishing your name on the non-license-payers list.

There are some (bizarre) exemptions. Firstly if a person is 75 years old (or older), it is free, Well not really free; the government (IE, the tax payer, who already pays his own TV license) subsidizes each and every one of these seniors (“Old Age Pensioners” or “OAPs”).

Life expectancy in Britain is about 76 years for women and 71 years for men.

BLIND INJUSTICE
The most laughable exemption though is for the blind. If you are blind and live in Britain you only have to pay 50% of the cost. How nice. If you are blind, your TV is a f***ing radio!

The one man who could change this and give the blind a full 100% discount? Well that would be the Home Secretary David Blunkett who is himself, blind!

There are no exemptions for the deaf. Though if you are deaf AND blind, you’re TV is a f***ing table!

So before you start stockpiling canned goods and rifle shells because you think the American government is too intrusive, stop and consider what’s been going on in the U.K. since ..Well since the invention of television.

The British government, under the auspices of the British Broadcasting Corporation (BBC), has been requiring licenses even before television. That’s right, before television, listeners of radio were required to be licensed.

In fact the radio license continued long after the advent of television and was only abolished in 1971. Keep in mind that until the early 1970s, Britain did not have commercial radio stations to compete with the various BBC radio stations.

Now don’t go panicking if you’re planning a vacation to London. Your hotel or rented accommodation is responsible for having the license. The rule of thumb is that every TV that is used must be licensed. I say “used” because in theory, you could own a TV but not watch it, or it could be broken, and you would not have to pay for that one.

In most cases, it is the owner of the TV that must pay for the license. However that is not always the case. One nice thing about Britain is that a very high percentage of rented houses and apartments (flats) that are pre-furnished. This does not always include a TV. But the first flat I rented in London did have a TV; however the lease clearly stated that I was the one legally responsible to pay for the TV license.

The cost of the license is not back breaking. But still, the principle of the matter … having to pay to watch regular, “through-the-air” TV goes against everything we as Americans believe in …the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. And what brings more happiness to more Americans than television?

A single license can cover a household if you have more than one television set. And there is no test required to get your license….though it would be fun if they had one. …

Question 17) Who played Manuel, the clueless Spanish waiter, on Fawlty Towers?

a) Andrew Sachs
b) Peter Cooke
c) Lawrence Olivier
d) Nicholas Lyndhurst

Here is the rub. All the money raised by these licensing fees goes to the BBC, regardless of whether you watch the BBC or not. British television is almost exclusively national. There are very few regional stations, and even fewer regional television viewers.

Until the 1970s, there were only TWO ...count ‘em … TWO television stations in Britain. They were BBC1 and BBC2. To this day, you might hear an Englishman ask, “what’s on the other side?” This question means, “what else is on?” but goes back to when there were just a pair of British Channels (not counting the non-television one that idiots attempt to swim across every once in a while).

Since then, they have added BBC3 and BBC 4, which are digital and therefore not received by the vast majority of “terrestrial” viewers. There are three main independent (national) stations which receive no funding from the TV licensing. They are known as ITV (Independent TV), Channel 4, and (launched about 8 years ago) Channel 5.

Being charged whether you watch the BBC or not, just because you own a TV would be the same as … well let’s say you did away with toll roads but instead just charged everyone who owned a car a “road tax” regardless of whether they used their car every day on the motorways (the main thoroughfares – that should be toll roads) or whether they just kept their car in the garage and ventured out on the back roads once a week to get the groceries.

Oh wait …the British do that too. They call it, “the road tax.”

Incidentally, there is talk of adding tolls on those motorways, in addition to collecting the road tax. Perhaps some things never change; as this American’s single biggest grievance with the British was the tax burden I faced. Unlike in America, where the practice is to put prices on items that do not include the sales tax, the British (and most European countries) include the tax on the price sticker of everything.

At first it seems like a good idea; makes it easier to calculate a more exact running total of items purchased. However, it serves to hide the fact that the price includes a whopping 17.5% sales tax (called the VAT, or value added tax). To be fair, all of Western Europe uses some form of VAT and in Scandinavia for example, the VAT is more in the neighborhood of 25%!

I couldn’t vote in their elections while I was there of course. So for me, it was “taxation without representation.”

Many Brits refer to the TV licensing fee as the “TV tax.”

While I was living in England, I subscribed to a digital satellite service called SKY TV. SKY is immensely popular, offering the five main channels plus a host of sports and other channels (MTV Europe for example). Most of these channels, as in America, serve to prove that more channels thins the talent pool of writers and director and actors and original thoughts. So they are filled by cookery, house make-overs, people make-overs, and a ton of “reality” crap.

But my license fee was not covered as part of my Sky subscription. Oh no. I still had to pay that.

TIME TO DIGRESS
By the way, in many cases we can blame the British for the (perceived) popularity of this mindless drivel of (non)reality programming. They were the ones behind American Idol, which started in Britain as “Pop Idol” and they have there own versions of “Survivor”, “Big Brother” etc.

I say “perceived” because the only reason these programs, which pander to the lowest common denominator are watched is that that is what is offered. I don’t hold that people would watch German Opera if that’s all that was on, but surely the country that gave is Monty Python, Benny Hill, Fawlty Towers, and The Office etc. could produce something a tad more intellectual than “Wife Swap,” which is not as titillating as it sounds. It’s just one poor sod living with someone else’s nag machine for a week.

And I say “non-reality” because I hold that nobody acts the same as they do IN reality when they know there is a camera on them and when they are chosen for, and being goaded to be, outrageous, loud, brash and ‘naughty’.

But you know what? Reality television could be the topic of several future blogs, so I will leave it there for now.

So the BBC does not air commercials (other than its own promos for its own programming – aired between programs) and has no need to since it’s cash cow, the TV license does not seem to be going away any time soon.

Commercials are left for the independent and satellite/cable/digital stations. And speaking of which, in a few years time, ALL British television will be broadcast in digital mode only, making analog sets obsolete. So in essence, you will have to soon (and are encouraged now by the British Government) purchase either a digital TV or digital receiver box, or subscribe to a digital service (like SKY) in order to see any television at all in the future.

This means that our British friends are being forced to invest in digital, and as a by-product, in getting more choices than just the BBC, yet at the same time, continue to pay for the license which still goes just to the BBC coffers. And those coffers are huge.

High-ranking BBC executives, often with “Lord” or “Sir” before their names, are paid enormous sums of money. These upper tier executives are allowed and encouraged to take a sabbatical in which they take a paying job outside the BBC in any field of their choice and receive their BBC salary at the same time. So Johnny Britain is paying these execs, through their licensing fees, while they are also earning an income as teachers, plumbers, UN weapons inspectors, whatever. The “thinking” (?) behind this is to bring new experiences into the creative realm of the BBC. Why don’t they just hire plumbers and teachers and weapons inspectors in the first place?

The BBC’s (strong) arm, The “TV Licensing Agency … the TVLA,” uses whatever means at its disposal necessary to keep the coffers filled … most of which involve intimidation and threats.

They cite a database of over 28 million home and business addresses, telling them which have TV Licenses.

“All of our enforcement officers have access to this database and will check whether or not you have a license. If you are using a TV and are unlicensed, you could face prosecution and a hefty fine.”-- TVLA

But of course, the TVLA’s greatest threat remains the “TV Detector Van.” The debate on whether these vans are a product of science fiction or real … perhaps developed by “Q - Division” … remains to this day a divided question.

“We have a fleet of detector vans, plus, our enforcement officers have access to hand-held detection devices capable of detecting a magnetic field when a TV is switched on. In fact, we catch an average of over 1,000 people watching TV without a license every day.” – TVLA


The BBC / TVLA utilizes the LATEST science to catch illegal viewers.

EVEN if these things actually worked, I suggest that those least likley to pay the fee are those who can’t afford it. And those would include people who live in council blocks (Public Housing Towers) where a couple of hundred families with a couple hundred TVs might be living on top of, below, and all around each other. Good luck with that.

Too bad the British can’t invent an illegal alien detector van … or extremist/terrorist detector van …two things for which the British people would have greater need and appreciation.

So why do people pay this ridiculous fee?

Because everyone else does I guess. There are various small and vocal subversive groups who realize that if EVERYONE just refused to pay it, the government and the BBC would have no recourse. But so far, they’ve never been able to successfully enlist a significant number of rebel-minded viewers.

[The Following is From: www.bbcresistance.co.uk]

"We can detect a TV in use, in any area. That's because every TV contains a component called the 'local oscillator', which emits a signal when the television is switched on. It's this signal that the external aerials on our vans pick up." It also states that hand-held scanner are used to locate television sets in hard to reach places.” -- TVLA

In addition to the “real” detector vans there are a number of deceptor vans, making people feel guilty and to have them buy a TV licence when they spot the van.

Despite all of the expensive gadgets developed by BBC R&D detection of TV Licence evasion depends heavily on an address based system [database called "Lassy"], so if you're not on their supposedly exhaustive list, they nip round, listen really carefully at the door and bust you if they hear Anne Robinson's voice.

Another way of telling someone has got a TV is by aerial spotting. Apparently there is this story about a tv detector man claiming someone had a tv because of the aerial, the man then replied "just cos' I've got milk on me door step doesn't mean I've got a cow."

In addition to the Lassy database, the TVLA/Capita has a database called the Campaign Management Data Warehouse [CMDW]. The CMDW holds records of recent "customer" contacts and demographic information on Postcodes, obtained from third parties. This information is held and used for the purpose of segmentation of mailing activity. For example if a certain postcode is likely to contain student residences, then a special targeted letter, might be mailed to address in the postcode area.

Then again...

The National Audit Office Report of May 2002 states the following on detector vans: "the BBC is introducing new detector vans with enhanced capabilities to detect when a television is in use. This will make it easier for enquiry officers to establish that an offence is likely to be taking place, although they will still need to secure further evidence for successful prosecution. Detection equipment has been used in conjunction with targeted advertising to act as a visible deterrent."In other words: detection-evidence only is not good enough for conviction.

If ANYONE who reads this knows from personal experience, ANYONE who has been caught by one of these hi-tech marvels, I’d like to hear about it … so please feel free to comment with your story.